The C Word

Heyo Guys! 

                 Before I continue writing I want to stress this is not a happy post. This is probably the exact opposite and I want to put a trigger warning for terminal illnesses on this post. 

So, a couple weeks back you might have recalled that I said my mum was ill and that I wouldn't go into detail. But since then we found out some stuff. I don't want to beat around the bush so basically my mum has cancer. Stage 3 ovarian cancer, germ cell tumours. And she's starting chemo tomorrow.  

It's quite treatable and with enough strong chemo, the rumours will decrease or disappear in at least 4 months. But to be honest I don't know if the 'C' word I titled this post is cancer or chemotherapy. But I want to make this at least helpful in some way. So here's the stages you go through when someone you love gets diagnosed with cancer. 

1) They won't say what it is exactly:

Before the actual diagnosis, doctors will mess you about massively and you'll be told it's 12 other things before they sit down and tell you it's cancer. This isn't what happened everytime but often people speculate it's something else before they move onto the big things. 

2) It's cancer

The first thing that will come to you is "death". Cancer has a huge stigma which states that as soon as you get it you're dying. Luckily for me the process happened gradually so it didn't really hit me that hard. When you find out, you'll be in shock and you won't know what to say. 

3) You realise it's cancer 

This is one of the hardest parts. When it's hits you like a ton of bricks and you'll cry and you'll sob and you'll shake  at random times until you fully accept it. This normally happens the day after or maybe sooner or later. 

4) What the treatment will be 

In my case it's chemo. 5 days, every 3 weeks for at least the next 4 months. My mum will be on the drip but it can be done with tables or radiotherapy. Depending how strong it will be will depend how server the effects will be. My mum is going to loose all her hair and since the chemo is really strong, it will basically destroy her. Thinking about the side effects will tear you apart so please try not to dig yourself into a well you can't escape. 

That's as far as we've got. If someone you love has been diagnosed with cancer I suggest you think about it scientifically. When you find out how terrible chemo will be, know it will help dramatically. Cancer is just a thing, a dangerous thing granted, but you will learn to deal with it, even if it seems impossible at the start. 

I'll make sure to keep you updated every now and then on my Twitter and on here. 

Take care. 

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

Influence

Heyo Guys! 

                  Since I've last uploaded some stuff has happened: I've fished my exams (yay!) for now (less yay), moved up a year in school and had my room rearranged (the more you know). 

Apologies for not uploading in a while, with exams, a new year, revision and mental health stuff, it doesn't help. Plus my mum is ill, it's pretty serious but I won't go into detail. Let's keep this light hearted!

Between how busy I was and my free time and pondered on influence. It's such a funny thing and seems so important to us without us realising it. Influence surrounds us constantly, shaping our beings and personalities, creating our dreams and aspirations, directing us in life. Obviously, all the big things come from an influence, but what about the little things?

Recently I tried to start a bullet journal, which I kind of failed at but I'm determined to try again. Seeing people explain how helpful bullet journals are and seeing how organised my mum is influenced me to get organised myself. Another example is my fashion style, I've always worn black clothes. Black, light black, dark black, pitch black, mid black, void black. However, being influenced but youtubers and fashion icons, I realised I can keep my dark aesthetic while adding something other than black to my outfit. Therefore, I normally add hints of Browns, really dark reds, I even occasionally wear more varied monochrome instead of straight up black. Jeez, I only met my new physics teacher the other day and I've already been influenced to learn more about one of my favourite subjects. 

These are only theee of many, lately I've became so inspired with people and boy is it tiring trying to beat your lack of motivation. Even though happiness comes with a price, I'm trying my hardest to keep focused and try and achieve. I find when you really can't be arsed with anything or if you don't have motivation to do something then try and find an influence. Can't find the energy to finish that homework? Listen to inspirational speeches. Can't be bothered to practice that piece your music teacher gave you? Watch videos of famous musicians playing flawless music. Not motivated to get out of bed? Read an article about going out and seeing the world. 

It's only just properly came to me how important influential people effect me and what life would be like, what I would be like, if there was nothing to influence me. 

Take care. 

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

Small Words, Big Meanings

Heyo Guys! 

                 Recently, I've fallen in love with ChewingSand's Time Of The Month (not that time of the month) and on her 2016 April one she commented on how she found home in the place she's currently living in. I dwelled on this (typical me) and I realised how much we just words with massive meanings as if they were small. 

For example, much like Hazel said home means a lot to her. I noticed how often I call houses a home, but don't actually mean it. When I say home, I don't mean a house I mean the place where I feel happy and comfortable and not even notice it. It's the place where I can sing my heart out, cry and not feel vulnerable   or even do little things when I'm alone like pee with the door open (tmi?). However, I still use the term home as if it was the word house. 

It's the same with 'love', 'happiness and various other words we don't really think about the meaning like 'anxious'. Althought, the word "hate" doesn't apply to this and whenever I say it, there's is always a person to say "hate is a strong word" which I actually find really interesting. People's opinions normally seem to change when it turns to negative words, but yet we still use positive words without thinking of the meaning. Strange. 

I have no idea if this has psychology behind it but as I have it for one on my exam options next year, I hope we touch on this subject. 

Anyway, sorry for the small blog post, I have 3 massive exams coming up really soon so all I've been doing is revising but the thought was bugging me so I thought I'd ramble about it. 

So, do you think the same? What's your definition of love, home or even hate? Tell me in the comments below!

Take care. 

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

The Secrets Of a Friendship

Heyo Guys!
                   Before I start this vent-y type blog post, I saw Civil War over the weekend and it was soooooo good! I'll probably do a review on it sooner or later because it was just amazing and since I'm doing A-Level Film I need to get into the habit of writing reviews.

Back to the actual subject of this blog, I've been having trouble with one of my friends. Firstly, I want to say that I'm keeping them completely anonymous-no nickname, pronouns, clue, nada- this friend could be an internet friend or just a friend at school. I won't get into a lot of detail about what has happened with us. This is because they could read this blog and say something about it as we're still friends and I wouldn't want anything to change between us.

So, me and this friend have been having complications. Not necessarily arguments or anything serious, just my attitude with them. We've never really been at a stage like this but for some reason we are now. I'm not even sure if they feel the same way. Basically, they've made me feel extremely worthless as they usually showed a lot of care towards me and its kind of stopped.

You might have been through this before, but when the person you think really cares for you, doesn't any more, what do you do? Personally I don't know, right now I'm just trying to drown out everything with revision as my exams are really close (because right now I'm doing sooooo much revision). Truth is, exams are just adding to the stress. My mum has also become ill as such, they've found a tumour next to her ovaries (it's highly likely not cancerous and only a fibroid, so it's not that serious) so that's not really helping either. I refuse for me to talk to them about it because I don't want to loose them, I feel distant enough already. I'm also one to avoid confrontation at all costs, i don't like arguing or even bringing anything negative up because I'll never let it go and over think. Oh the joys of anxiety.

You see, this is the secret everyone tries to hide when it comes to friendships. No matter how much you care about said friend or how close you both are, you will end up feeling like they're against you. It's something we cover up when romanticising friendships. We hide our real emotions from the people we tell everything to because in truth, we love them too much to cause confrontation. So, if you're going through this, it's ok to feel like this and it's ok to be pissed off with your friends sometimes. All I hope is that you're happy and that if your friendships are truly toxic and they deliberately hurt you most of the time, you cut your ties with them.

Anyway, what's your advice for this type of situation? Have you ever been in a position like this? If so, please tell me in the comments below!

Take care.

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

Future Plans

Heyo Guys!
                   I have something to tell you. This happened a while ago but I thought I might as well say it now. I applied for college. (dun dun DUUUN). It's kind of weird and a little scary for me because I always saw myself staying in six form and putting up with whatever options I think I'll do best in. To be honest I  thought you went to six form then college then university. Im stupid.

It was so weird thinking let alone going to a college in less then a year. It was kind of scary to think about growing up and actually moving closer to university and dreaded adulthood. If you're wondering here are the options I've chose (but can change if I really desire):
-BTEC Photography (obviously)
-BTEC Art
-BTEC Preforming Arts
-A-Level Film

The only problem is, I still don't know exactly what I want to do.  I'd love to be a film director (as shown by my options). But I am so scared of losing my intelligence. I love physics and would love to be an astrophysicist or at least an A-Level in it, but I hate maths and could never do it at such a high degree. Ugh so stressful.

So I think I'm sticking with my options, because the arts is what I love the most. If any of you want my advice when you're not sure what to do with your life, do what you love.

In other news, on Saturday the college invited a load of people my age to go to a restaurant and have a free meal with them. I went with Fandom and we both met this really lovely girl, so it was really cool to meet some new people. 

However, this lad I was really good friends with in primary school also attended this meal and came over to say hi. Being me, I nervous drink to keep myself occupied while they're talking about. So he asked me what school in going to and I was mid drink, sipping through my straw. The suddenly...

 I spit all over him 

I had my mouth a little open at the side (that's a really bad description) and the water went through my straw and shot out of the small gap in my lips; all over him. I was mortified. I instantly burst out laughing in pain, I wanted the universe to open a black hole under me. So, I stay with my head in my hands, half laughing and half crying, for like 2 minutes. 

Then to make matters worth he shouts at me. He repeats "Which school do you go to?!" and I try to speak but I'm still dying internally from spitting on him but manage to reply. Then he's leaves. He just walks of and sits even further across the restaurant from me. Real confidence boost, thanks mate. 

Anyway, what are your plans for the future, if you have any? What's your dream?

Take care. 

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

An Activist For the Day

Heyo Guys!

                   So, if you follow me on twitter (#spon #soznotsoz) then you'll know about a fortnight ago I went to a protest! Yes, I was such a little rebel and became an activist. I didn't actually realise what I was marching for until I got there (v professional). But it was about David Cameron and anti-austerity, mixed with protesting about anti-islamphobia and the whole conservative party.

I learnt a lot when I was there and now Im here to tell you all about what happened and what to expect if you go to a march.

Disclaimer- I'm not an expert in this field and it was a march which was regulated and organised. No one caused any harm and I definitely don't condone violence or extreme rioting. Like I said, everyone was safe and police were everywhere to ensure people's safety.

On the Friday I had slept over at my friend's -lets call her Clifford- as her dad works for one of the people who organised the march and they invited me. I've only been to London once before so I jumped at the chance to go again. After many laughs and fun at Clifford's house, we woke up at 6 in the morning. I was dead inside. We rushed to get ready and then drove to town where we met the coach. The drivers were pretty chill and and Clifford and I sat at the back. The coach took about 2 and a half hours in which we spent listening to music, playing mario competition on my DSs and playing inappropriate hangman (you dont wanna know). The ride wasn't actually that bad and went surprisingly fast.

Once we were in London we met up with a few of Clifford's dad's friends. Everyone was preparing and getting their stuff ready (shout out to the guy who made the pig head on a stick). To my surprise there were some really young children and their parents joining it. It was so cool to see so much diversity before we even started.

Everyone seemed incredibly happy to be there and it was so interesting to see people wanting to fight for what they believe it. Normally when you think of a protest/march you think of the stereotypical image of crowds screaming and throwing molotovs. I will contradict that by saying that is was really pleasant. People were cheering and making people passing by smile and laugh. There was even a massive float which people came up and spoke some inspirational stuff.

After an hour or so of waiting for the march to start, we were off! I did get anxious when I was in the middle of a huge crowd for ages but I managed to calm myself down. My back has never hurt that much though, lowkey wanted to murk the people sitting down because I envied them. Music started playing and it was actually really positive, apart from the really annoying drummers behind us like please re-think your lives (jk). 

The march itself was really fun, we were holding a banner so we ended up having lots of photos taken by professional news people. We took a stroll into Trafalgar square chanting and being watched by Londoners who of course were snapchatting it (fun fact, I made it into a split second of london's snapchat story). Clifford and I also had a fangirling moment when we passed Forbidden Planet I'm nerd and phan trash.

 

So all in all, I recommend going to fight for something you believe in. Just please make sure you are safe and avoid people getting harmed. The last thing I want is for you to be involved in something that can get you in serious trouble or seriously hurt.

 But tell me, have any of you been involved in a march/protest? Do you identify as an activist? Tell me below!

Take care.

Little Old Me, logging off my Litlle Old World. Xxx

A Full Time Internet Hobo

Heyo Guys!
                   So as I'm writing this I'm supposed to be revising for my biology mock and its a little last minutes as it begins in T-minus 11 hours and 22 minutes from me writing this sentence... But I gave up half way through so I'm blogging to have a come down.

I have noticed I barely ever leave the house, like at all. Unless it's school, forced reasons, family reasons and I dont want to say no to a friend but voluntarily, I haven't.

 I guess it's a self confidence thing and I kind of panic whenever I leave my house or even my bedroom. So I've basically become a full time internet hobo, spending all my time online or in my den shutting myself away recently. 

I'm not going to be that middle aged white suburban mum who gives you a lecture on how the wifi is melting your brain cells and you're going to be crippled and blind by the age of 23, because trust me, I hate them as much as you. But I do want to get out more. I've been thinking a lot about my hobbies and what I love to do, it's been extremly rainy lately and I love the rain. I love grabbing a coat and my wellies and going into the tiny Forrest outside my house and taking photos. Truth is I love being outside, as I've stated nature and train stations are all my favourite places. Everything's just been so stressful. 

I've had mock exams all week and now my art exam has started its all I can focus on. Everything is just a cycle of stressing and panic and hiding away and avoiding my responsibility. I hate it so much because when I can't have down time without panic and I don't have the motivation to study for anything. Trying to balance my hobbies, exercise, a healthy diet, schoolwork, revision, over due coursework and exams is literally the worst. I want to leave the house without having the anxitey of "I could be doing something useful right now". 

I made a revision table and like literally broke down trying to make it because I found that so overwhelming. I haven't stuck to it purely because I can't. somethings always coming up or somethings more important. like maybe I have a controlled assessment in biology one week and history the next. so all my attention is focused there. So in the end I always end up turning to the Internet, spending my time on the computer wether that's for procrastinating or for revision and homework. I'm truly a hobo living in the Internet. And to be honest, I'm starting to hate it. 

sorry for the negative post, I needed to vent this time. A lot of stuff going off and I need to free my head of it so I can concentrate on the better things in life. Anyway, do you have any experience in this sort of stuff? How do you manage your time and avoid procrastinating? Tell me below, Id really appreciate it!

Take care. 

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx