The Phantom Which is Love

Heyo Guys!
                   Quick note; I've started writing this at 11:19 pm on a sunday listening to bonfire heart by james blunt and spent the last 2 hours listening to rusty clanton. So I'm a bit out of it, sorry.

Lately, the idea of something has been on my mind. The idea of love. I had a conversation with a friends who'd recently got over a girl he'd been liking-a lot. We got onto the topic of what love was to us, and this was my answer;
"I know what love is, I've painted this beautiful painting in my head of the love. I've seen the couples on the streets, the parents with their children and the two close friends sharing milkshakes in Starbuck. I've seen that. I think is the craving of disappearing with someone. It's when you get panicked thinking 'i have no one' but then exhaling deeply as you smile because you know you have that one person. The person who you're in love with. That's how  I know I've never been in love."

Again, I sent this at 11pm, I swear I'd admit I've killed a person at this time.

Anyway, I've had this idea stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. I live in a very sh*tty place, surrounded by sh*tty people and I'm young, perhaps I'm being a hormonal teen but I feel like this is different.

Like, I've not fallen in love with a person, that hasn't happened yet. But, I've fallen in love with the idea of love. And that's what's worrying me. There's this song a youtube wrote about falling in love with an imaginary person. (Click here for v pretty song) There's a part which says

"And if I do find love
How could it ever be the same."

Because she's created this perfect person in her head, this perfect love. So how can anything be exactly the same as her perfect painting? This is my problem.

I've put the situations of the perfect proposal, the best friend to partner situation, the fall in love slowly but then it hits you in face, the wedding, the depressing episodes and the support. And it's so beautiful. I've planned my life with a person I know I'll never live up too.

I want to fall in love. I'm positive of that. I want to actually fall in love, not run after 'illusions'. But that takes time and I have to wait. But I can't. But I can. Do you see my problem here? 


Like I want to wake up next to someone I love, and for them to draw tiny circles in the palms of my sleepy arms with there finger, and for someone to hug me from behind, for a relationship which is awkward, trash, weird and adorable all at the same time. Do you get me? I'm a hopeless romantic, I know. Idk anymore, I really don't. I'm young and I don't want to rush things. But I'm so impatient, it's unbelievable. 

I kind of am in love, but with something that's personal to me. I'm just confused and weird.

This has been personal again, and I don't tell people these sort of things but I  trust you guys. I just need to vent idk.

Have you ever been in love? What's your perfect idea of it? If you have fallen in love, what's it like? I'd love to hear your answers.

Take care,

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old  World. Xxx

Being Queer

Heyo Guys!

                   A while ago, I made a blog post about sexualities. Since then, I've learnt a lot about myself. I'm still quite confused about interests but if I'd put to into words I'd say I have 2 or 3 sexualities. And I know what you're thinking "OMG WAT? HOW CAN U HAV 3 ??1?". But let me explain.

I have feeling for girls, that's the truth. I see myself as quite a strong bi-romantic. 

biromantic

Someone who enjoys behavior typically associated with dating and love, like cuddling, hugging, gift-giving, love notes, but probably not kissing, etc. and enjoys it with both genders, without necessarily desiring subsequent sexual experience. Biromantic people can be straight, bisexual, homosexual, or asexual. 

'Jane went out with a girl and bought her this beautiful bracelet. Then they cuddled and watched a movie at her apartment. They don't make out or anything like that. They only desire physical relations with men. They must be biromantic and heterosexual instead of bisexual.'

According to Urban Dictionary. I see myself quite strongly because I could see myself spending my future with another female possible. However, when I've looked at myself in the future I've seen myself with a husband and with children. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to fall in love with a girl, or a boy for that matter. But I'm most likely gonna end up with a lad because I swing like that. I'd kiss a girl, and I mean like make out (not like sexually or hardcore but standard I'd be fine with. Is this weird? It seems weird.)

Like I said before, I'm demi too. 

demisexual 

Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. It is an orientation that is not chosen.

Demisexuality does not refer to the active restraint or repression of sexual desires or actions.

Demi- is a prefix meaning half. This is used to mean halfway between sexual and asexual. The term originated in the asexual community, specifically within the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).

Sexual partner: Hey, I think you are sexy. *aroused* 
Demisexual partner: I'd have to reach a higher level of emotional intimacy before I could feel the same way. =\ 
Sexual partner: Oh, I see. Well, we can do something enjoyable together. =/ 
Demisexual partner: =D We can bake a cake for now! 
Sexual partner: Sure! That's always fun, although we seem to be doing that a lot. =D 
Demisexual partner: *squeee! bonding time!*

Wow, thanks urban dictionary :D!!!1!  I've explained this before so I won't get into too much detail. Key point is that I'm like this with males. This is the bit you have to understand. I would only ever have sex with a male, or do any thing sexually arousing. I don't mean this is an offensive way it's just that I don't find that part about girls arousing to me, like at all.

Now, number 3s a bit weird. In the definition it says a bi-romantic can be hetrosexual too. But again, I'm quite strongly with this as their is a possibility (although it's relatively small) that I'll spend the rest of my life with a girl. So, i don't necessarily stick to this label 100% of the time. However, with it being hetrosexual, and I can only ever experience sexual attraction to a boy, i guess that's technically what i am.

I don't like labels, I never have. And tbh I hate labelling myself but personally, I feel like I need to find a label. It's weird. I can't help but search for a label, but that's just me. And for me, this not completely correct label I have atm will do me for now. You never have to label yourself. I love this quote, which kind of describes me;

It's hard sometimes. To be queer. Everyone expects you to get on a male and ride him into the sunset once you come of age. Because we live in a metro-normalised society  I've been told I need to be cured of my asexuality and that I need to be diagnosed with my sexualities. People jump to conclusion when I try to explain or push me into a corner of "you're just confused". I's degrading. It honestly is. I haven't come out yet, to school peeps or family, because I'm scared. To be closeted you don'r just have to be trans, gay or bi. You van just simply not be straight. I get so fed up because I try hinting to my family and explaining the sexualities before I come out and say I fit them. And they just say it's weird and doesn't exist. So I don't exist, right? I just want it off my chest but I don't know really. I'm queer af but trying to explain that to someone is hard af.

In conclusion, this is how I would react to a situation.

1

Friend: Oh look at that incredibly sexy boy! Wouldn't you bang him?

Me: Oh yes, but once I am at a suitable age and have developed a strong romantic relationship with him first and the I'd consider it :D He'd be a really romantic person!

2

Friend: Hey! Look at that really pretty girl!

Me: Oh yes! She looks like the type of person I would like to get to know and take her home.... So we can play mario cart and cuddle on my couch! I'd love to connect with her and have a strong romantic bond! :D

This post was a bit more personal, I hope I didn't bother any of you too much. 

Take Care.

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx

Doctors and Depression

Heyo guys!
                  As promised I'm going to do a blog post about my experience at the doctors.

So, this happened on Friday and my appointment was at 10:20 am so I had to be taken out of school. We got to my local doctors and I had both parents come with me. My mum stayed in the car and my dad came in for moral support. After half an hour of waiting we got called in and me and my dad figured out a plan before hand. Which leads me on to tip number 1.

1) Create a plan and assess the situation.

My plan was to walk in, sit down and have my dad introduce me while I calm down from the panic attack I will have. So, we did that and my dad told the doctor my problems about my anxiety, depression and thoughts. After a gave my disorders a background thats when the doctor asked me key question.

2) Have a think about answers, don't blurt them out in panic.

It's extremely important to get your point across, so if you are asked an unexpected question have a think for a second and say what you need to say. My doctor asked me if I knew what actually started my anxiety off, if there was any life changing events thats could've caused it. Then, leading on from this we got to depression, he asked me when i started feeling like this.

3) The topics will change, most likely indicating the doctor has enough information for that subject.

After, we talked about school, if i was bullied and if the kids are horrible. Now, this is where I went wrong. My dad was in the room so i hesitated and said no, i only get 'the odd comment' which was a load of bs.

4) DONT LIE. whatever you do, tell the truth. They're there to help.

Please, don't do the same thing. If you need to, get the person you came with to leave the room.

Afterwards,  he told me I couldn't have my own therapist or have licensed medication since I'm under 18.

5) Don't freak out at the response. If you don't like it what so ever, tell them.

However, he was allowed to redirect me to a place called CAMHS, which is for mentally ill young adults, but the forms that need to be taken in take a couple weeks. So, he told me to go to a place called TalkShop which is a drop off talking one on one on monday afternoons. He told me I'd be re-directed from there and if nothing changes or they recommend it, I'll go back to the doctors and we'll sign a form to send me off to CAMHS. It's like a mental hospital but like school edition. Chummy went.

6) Stay strong, I believe in you. There's always a chance.

If your appointment isn't successful, try a different doctor. There's always hope. Hopefully, this was of use to some of you, if you have any other questions I'll be happy to answer them.

Stay Strong.

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old World. Xxx