The Phantom Which is Love

Heyo Guys!
                   Quick note; I've started writing this at 11:19 pm on a sunday listening to bonfire heart by james blunt and spent the last 2 hours listening to rusty clanton. So I'm a bit out of it, sorry.

Lately, the idea of something has been on my mind. The idea of love. I had a conversation with a friends who'd recently got over a girl he'd been liking-a lot. We got onto the topic of what love was to us, and this was my answer;
"I know what love is, I've painted this beautiful painting in my head of the love. I've seen the couples on the streets, the parents with their children and the two close friends sharing milkshakes in Starbuck. I've seen that. I think is the craving of disappearing with someone. It's when you get panicked thinking 'i have no one' but then exhaling deeply as you smile because you know you have that one person. The person who you're in love with. That's how  I know I've never been in love."

Again, I sent this at 11pm, I swear I'd admit I've killed a person at this time.

Anyway, I've had this idea stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. I live in a very sh*tty place, surrounded by sh*tty people and I'm young, perhaps I'm being a hormonal teen but I feel like this is different.

Like, I've not fallen in love with a person, that hasn't happened yet. But, I've fallen in love with the idea of love. And that's what's worrying me. There's this song a youtube wrote about falling in love with an imaginary person. (Click here for v pretty song) There's a part which says

"And if I do find love
How could it ever be the same."

Because she's created this perfect person in her head, this perfect love. So how can anything be exactly the same as her perfect painting? This is my problem.

I've put the situations of the perfect proposal, the best friend to partner situation, the fall in love slowly but then it hits you in face, the wedding, the depressing episodes and the support. And it's so beautiful. I've planned my life with a person I know I'll never live up too.

I want to fall in love. I'm positive of that. I want to actually fall in love, not run after 'illusions'. But that takes time and I have to wait. But I can't. But I can. Do you see my problem here? 


Like I want to wake up next to someone I love, and for them to draw tiny circles in the palms of my sleepy arms with there finger, and for someone to hug me from behind, for a relationship which is awkward, trash, weird and adorable all at the same time. Do you get me? I'm a hopeless romantic, I know. Idk anymore, I really don't. I'm young and I don't want to rush things. But I'm so impatient, it's unbelievable. 

I kind of am in love, but with something that's personal to me. I'm just confused and weird.

This has been personal again, and I don't tell people these sort of things but I  trust you guys. I just need to vent idk.

Have you ever been in love? What's your perfect idea of it? If you have fallen in love, what's it like? I'd love to hear your answers.

Take care,

Little Old Me, logging off my Little Old  World. Xxx